


Dedicated To You

by Esatea



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Fluff, M/M, also its a reunion fic, haise wrote a book, kind of writer au, so this is a basic hidehaise happy fic i guess, yes - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-24
Updated: 2015-04-25
Packaged: 2018-03-19 08:25:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3603198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Esatea/pseuds/Esatea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To my voice. To the one that helped me this far.<br/>Isn't it funny that even though I was the one<br/>who was supposed to understand, in the end<br/>you were the one who made me realize<br/>how small the difference could be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dedication

**Author's Note:**

> I got an idea and just wrote something yeah this was actually inspired by an au where kaneki was a writer by this one rly great author...It's all kind of reversed here. This is my own weird thing where basically everything up to the beginning of :re has happened and kaneki starts remembering things and writes a book.

For him it had always been easier to express things indirectly. Writing them down and forming the words with careful consideration, having the time to think through what one said and erase away mistakes, was much less difficult than having to sputter them out at a second's notice, weighed down by the pressure of a situation in which you could never _ever_ take back what you said. As it was, talking to others wasn't his strongest suite, but when it came to words in general, he loved them. Ever since he was a little child he had found comfort in books, stories, journeys, _experiences_...And he had hoped books would be enough to help him through the most difficult times. In the end it might not have been, but back then he thought that the least he could do was write it down, write down how he felt. So he did.

Never would he have imagined that _this_ would happen. That he would have enough thoughts to fill up the book he had longed to write for so long, that the book would get published, that it would end up being read by so many people, that he would be accepted, that _they_ would be even in the slightest accepted- That he would end up causing the breakthrough he from the very first moment he spent like this had wished for. He would never have imagined that it'd happen. _But it did._

* * *

In a dark room, dimly lit up by the eerie shine of a computer screen, a young man was feeling useless. The man sighed and let his head fall down onto his keayboard, not caring about the amount of 'h's that were currently filling up the blank page on his document, even those were better than the current emptiness, caused by the lack of ideas. He was a famous author alright ( - though he had only ever written one book -), but he didn't have too much time (why do deadlines exist,) and when asked to actually get down some words on a paper, something he usually was so good at, he couldn't manage to accomplish a thing.

When the doorbell rang he was more relieved than anything, getting away from the pressuring silence, the still so blank sheet, that seemed to be screaming at him, telling him to just get on with it. He got up from the chair and stretched his arms on his way to the door. It wasn't long, he lived in a quite small apartment, but he lingered a bit before opening the door, for no other reason than to clear his head a bit.

When the door finally was swung open with a slight creak he saw two familiar faces. They had been patiently waiting, knowing how he usually needed time to prepare. They were a few of his closest friends after all. "Touka-chan, Hinami-chan," he greeted them with a smile, and moved aside to let them in.

"Haise" The taller of the two, Touka, looked sharply at him. There was a slight stutter at the beginning of his name and he knew why - Touka had never from the beginning gotten used to calling him by his new name, even though he himself had grown fond enough of it to keep it, even when he learnt what his real name had been. _He didn't want to lose his identity, the identity he had created the one he could uphold, live as without all the pain and suffering._

"What brings you here?" Haise asked, still with a smile. The other two had entered the room and he closed the door after them, glancing out in the stairway one last time. Touka noticed the brief troubled look on his face before he turned back to them.

"Hinami said we should visit, to check on you," Touka said, walking past Haise and looking around, as if trying to form a picture of the room. She had been there a few times before though, but maybe it was a manner of hers.

"It's been a while" Hinami said, seeming kind of absent. "I wanted to know how you're doing. Touka did too." She smiled, but the smile was not quite he same as all those years ago. It made Haise sad to see this. He believed it was mostly his fault, that Hinami had to grow up like that...In that darkness _/If only I hadn't failed back then if only-./_ Haise did have a bad habit of blaming things on himself.

Another habit he had, at least recently, was to hide all uncomfort he could, and just continue smiling. "Ah, I'm happy you came to see me then...Would you care for some coffee?" He gestured towards the small cooking corner and tilted his head a little bit, questioningly.

"Ah, please" Hinami said, and after a wordless confirmation in the form of a nod from Touka, Haise started preparing the coffee. There was a pressing silence in the room while he did this, but he acted calmly and did it as he always does, carefully and putting thought into every move he made. Soon he was done, no one had even tried to create small talk while he was concentrated on the coffee, but as soon as he had poured three cups from it, handed them to Hinami and Touka and come to sit with them taking the third cup with him, Touka opened her mouth.

"So, how _are_ you doing." More than a question, it was a demand. The simple question held so much more into it than only the words would make one think. Haise had to think about it for a while. How was he doing? The answer he usually would have given was 'I'm doing good, thank you for asking' but he wouldn't say that, not to Touka. She'd notice he was hiding his true feelings and get mad at him again. In the end she was really kind, Haise thought to himself, smiling into his cup.

_"For him it had always been easier to express things indirectly."  
_

He had to prepare, plan his wording with care so that he wouldn't mess it up / _/NOt again, **not** again-/_ It took him a while before he could answer Touka's question. Both her and Hinami were looking at him, more or less expectantly and he knew he had to tell them. It wasn't like he was doing _bad_ exactly, he was happier than he had been in a long, long time but-

"There is something lacking"

* * *

Hide knew. He knew all that had happened to Kaneki, all the horrifying things his friend had been through, all the pain he might have been able to prevent, if only he had realized that he didn't have to stay quiet _a bit_ earlier. But another thing he knew, was that it couldn't be stopped anymore. He wasn't capable of taking back time, and he didn't know anyone else who could do that either, so he had to settle for what he was able to do. He had always been quick to adapt to situations, to understand his mistakes and to learn from them. _Or had he?_

He had tried his best, from the shadows, helping, trying to reach Kaneki again. In a way he had succeeded too, as Kaneki's life was spared - although changed to the extreme - and that if nothing else was an accomplishment. He wished he could do more though, that he could make Kaneki smile like he used to, make him laugh and forget - even if temporarily - about his worries and enjoy himself. Wonder if it was too much to say that his greatest goal was to make his best friend happy. _He wanted to see that smile again, the real one_.

Hide sighed, uncharacteristically deeply, thinking about his ( _former, he really didn't want to add)_ best friend, again. He was alone though, so it didn't matter even if he slipped out of his usually so cheerful demeanor. Alone. He was that a lot nowadays. Not that he didn't have friends, and even if he didn't then with his outgoing personality it wouldn't be difficult to make some, it was that he was getting more and more used to solitude. He had dedicated his life to Kaneki's hapiness and now that it was achieved to the extent of where Hide couldn't help him anymore, he was - in a way - lost.

His view on the situation was that he should stay away from Ken (Haise - he corrected himself.) Avoid causing any of those painful memories to resurface in his mind. It was for the best, that Kaneki had forgotten, left it behind and started anew, it was actually better than he could have wished for, with those memories, wouldn't it have been impossible for Kaneki to find peace of mind?

_He had to keep lying to himself, he had to keep the willpower to stay away._

* * *

He had decided to go for a walk in the evening, clearing up his thoughts, like he usually did when it looked as if his brain was getting tired of its mission. He was walking around the busy streets of Tokyo, most might not find it the most relaxing enviroment, but for him it was perfect. The people, the noises, all of it helped him concentrate his thoughts to one thing at a time, no matter how strange it might seem to others whom it only distracted.

The light changed and he started making his way to the other side of the road, walking over the white stripes, not really watching his steps, just going with the flow, it was the most efficient way to move, and especially practical if you didn't care where you were going. Hide really had no destination so it was easy for him to just let his feet follow the lead of others, and focus on his mind. This was exactly why he didn't notice where he had ended up, that he was in a place that would bring back memories of **_him._**

It was the bookstore, the one Kaneki had dragged him with him to countless of times, to get some new book, to try and get Hide more exited about reading too, sometimes just to hang out. It had probably been one of Kaneki's favorite places in the whole city. Others had included places such as their favorite hamburger place, Big Girl, and even the café, Anteiku- No, it was not a good idea to bring those places back to mind now. Kaneki wouldn't go to them anymore, he _couldn't_ , not with him at least. _And that is good._

Hide shook his head, trying to stop staring in through the shops window, but finding it hard to do. Inside looked warm and inviting, it had the familiar feeling a place you hadn't seen for a while, but never had forgotten even a bit, about it. The flood of people was pushing him forward but he wouldn't budge, and so the crowd parted around him leaving him there, giving him only the option to give in.

With a laugh and a quiet _"Gosh, I really miss him, don't I?"_ to himself Hide pushed open the door to the comfy little bookstore, and entered, accompanied by the noise of the little bell on the door.

* * *

_"There is something lacking"_

As soon as the words were spoken, the silence returned to the room. It didn't last for as long as before though, soon it was broken by a sharp question from Touka:

"Lacking? From your memories?" She frowned and looked at Haise, as demanding as ever. He simply nodded and almost whispered the _"Yes"_

Hinami looked at him worried, she too, frowning in a way that Haise would rather not have her twist her face. He didn't want her to make that face because of him, he wanted Hinami to smile like she used to, before he failed - no actually - before he came into her life. / _Without me none of this would have happened, right? It's all my fault._

_But I know she won't blame me, no one will. It's my fault why can't they just blame me and leave. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore./_

Even though the words had been said out loud, it didn't feel as if though the silence had ever left. It was still as...awkward and unpleasant. Haise, he really wanted to say something, make the silence stop, remove those troubled looks from his friends' faces, but the (bad) puns he usually might have thought of didn't come to his aid, he could think of no appropriate thing to say in this situation. So he just had to endure.

But what had he meant with " _Lacking?" S_ omething was lacking from his thought-to-be-recovered memory, _something_ , and he could almost, _almost_ say what it was. It was more of a feeling that he had yet to remember the most important thing, the one that might bring calm to his thoughts instead of all these that mostly just brought him back to the suffering. _Now that he thought about it, that was probably the reason why Touka and Hinami came, they didn't want to leave him alone with the ghosts of his past. They knew them better than he did._

He still hadn't remembered why he wrote it like he did, who those words were written for and what emotions lay behind. That part of his life was still missing, no trace of a memory, or at least nothing more than a tiny hint- _someone,_ it was someone.

A quiet voice surprised Haise, and he looked down at Hinami, the source of the sound, seeing her maing a serious but kind face. He was sure she had said something just now. "Excuse me...could you repeat what you just said? Sorry."

She nodded. "Is it him who you wrote your dedication for?"

* * *

The dedication...The dedication of his book. The book written by "Kaneki Ken," the book that had exceeded all expectations, causing a nearly revolutionary effect amongst the people in Tokyo. The story, written as a novel, later revealed to be a self-biography had been the first step -first _successful_ step - towards mutual understanding between humans, and the human-eating species, the _ghouls_. The book told a young man's story, a human who was against his will turned into a ghoul and all he had to go through after this. It was about his struggle when his life changed forever, how he realized that _ghouls_ , weren't the only ones who were wrong in this world. The book had, with its excellent use of descriptive language and amazing way of conveying emotions - of despair, of confusion and so much more - managed to awaken the peoples sympathy towards ghouls.

In today's society, barely a year after the authors debut, even being a ghoul you could be recognized as a _'person'_ and accepted, to a certain level. There was still a long way to go, but they were _on their way._ The amount of discrimination there was even towards those peaceful ghouls, those who avoided killing and tried to live in harmony with humanity was substantial, and due to that most ghouls still preferred to keep it a secret. It would take long before things would change.

The writer had to be happy that he had used a penname, for if he hadn't it would probably have lead to either his death or at least so much hate that he, with his still vulnerable and fragile mind would perhaps not have been able to handle it. This was also why Haise leved in such a small apartment, he tried to stay out of publicity to the extreme, because of the _circumstances_ , it couldn't end well.

But the thing about that book was in fact the dedication. He couldn't remember when he had written it, nor to who it was directed. It really bothered him, and he was sure it was the key to the rest, the very last of his memories...

* * *

Hide regretted his decision the minute he entered the bookstore. Everything was the same, from the bookshelfs to the homely smell all around him. This was truly the same place, he hadn't visited it for years, but nothing had changed. He shouldn't have come here. He was preparing to leave the place before anyone would notice, making it uncomfortable or rude, but when he turned around the one thing that _had_ changed caught his eye.

The books. Of course the books would change, it would be kind of stupid if a bookstore only ever had the same books, right? Hide chuckled at this thought, but it was one specific book that he had noticed, a book that made him shiver. Of course he knew about it, it was basically the book of the year - last year, that was - but he had avoided it. He knew the story anyway, so he could join discussions about it at work without being in too much trouble. He didn't _want_ to read it, only seeing the name "Kaneki Ken" printed on the cover was too much for him. He knew he wasn't mentioned in the book, for whatever reason, and that was encouragment enough to stay away from Kaneki, if he had purposefully left Hide out, it must mean he wouldn't even want to meet him, and if he simply couldn't remember - well then it was better if he didn't at all.

But no matter how much he had tried to evade the book before, now he found the temptation overwhelming. It was something written by _his best friend, his Kaneki_ \- no, it wasn't his Kaneki anymore, he reminded himself, it was someone else - but in any case, not reading a book written by someone he had known for so long, someone who had all that time dreamt about one day making one ofthe books he loved, not reading it - it would be kind of horrible of him, wouldn't it?

He took a step forward, not hesitant anymore and picked up a copy of the book (it was on sale too, nice, he could actually buy it) and carefully, as if handling a living being, he opened the first page. _Kaneki always treated his books like that, he fondly remembered._ He looked thorugh the table of contents, smiling a bit when he _actually knew_ what each chapter was about. But when he flipped the page once more, he froze. His gaze was fixated on the couple of rows in the middle of the page:

 _To my voice. To the one that helped me this far._  
_Isn't it funny that even though I was the one_  
_who was supposed to understand, in the end_  
_you were the one who made me realize_  
_how small the difference could be._  
_I miss you._

 

_Those words...could it possibly, possibly be-that they were meant for me?_


	2. Sunflower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _To my one and only sunshine.  
>  To the one I am seeking.  
> Please know, without you I'd be long gone. ___

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the support! I never thought all you people would enjoy it! haise has selective meory tbh

Haise was alone in his room again, Hinami and Touka having left after the cup of coffee was drowned and the discussion dropped. Hinami had promised to come again soon and he had no doubt that Touka would too. But now he was left in solitude again, his only company the thoughts that their visit had awakened and the still agonizingly empty page on the computer screen. He stared at it as blankly as it stared back for a while, as if in a trance but then shook his head to snap out of it. _He needed to think of something to write._

But with his mind occupied by all these unrelated things, he couldnt really concentrate. Every time he thought he had an idea he remembered his last book, and its dedication. That brought him back to wondering about who it was for and where those last bits of memory could be hiding, and soon he noticed he had forgotten all about the beginning of an idea he might have had. It was frustrating, not even like a writers block, just a general distraction and lack of inspiration.

After a while of seemingly pointless brainstorming he decided to stop trying for a moment. Perhaps it would clear his mind if he gave in and actually focused on thinking about the things trying to distract him? He decided it was worth a try. He picked up his worn-out copy of his book and let it fall open. It automatically found the dedication, it wasn't the first time he looked at it, trying to figure out the story behind it. _And this story was supposed to be his own._

He also tried recalling the recent discussion with Touka and Hinami, and that's when he realized it...Hinami knew. Probably Touka too. _"Is it him who you wrote your dedication for?"_ Hinami had said. She knew who it was, she knew, it was _him_ , whoever this him was. The fact that she had so quickly realized what it was about, that she knew that it was _someone_ , it wasn't anything he had taken up with anyone. But it was only to be expected, wasn't it? If this person was someone who had been in his life before, then the ones who also had, must have met him. They might even know where he was now...

Haise smiled to himself.

_He wouldn't ask anything.  
_

* * *

Hide had overheard a conversation between two of his co-workers at lunch one day, he had heard the word "Kaneki" and that second he had perked up, being completely concentrated on listening to the two girls' talk. He was eavesdropping now...what had this come to. Well, it wasn't like he hadn't done it before, information is information, regardless of the way it's obtained. What he got out of this conversation wasn't too much though, at first they were only discussing what a 'mysterious guy' he was, never having showed his face in public and then they were fawning over how 'cool' it was. Hide wondered what they would have thought if they knew his relation to Ken.

But then the topic changed to his actual works.

"Have you heard? About Kaneki's new book?"

"Yes, I have I have~ I'm definitely going to read it!"

The two friends were really exited about it, it seemed. It made Hide kind of happy to see how his formerly so shy and quiet friend could now make people this happy, using those same words that had taken him himself through hard times.

"Me too! I really loved his first one"

"Yes yes, exactly! Do you know when this new one will be out?"

"I've heard it's next week...I'm so exited"

"I'm gonna go buy it the same day~!"

"I'll come with you!"

"Yes let's go together! Anyway, do you know what the book is about?"

"No. No one knows yet."

_Kaneki probably does,_ Hide thought.

* * *

Of course Hide had heard the rumors about a new book from the famous author, whom he had been used to be able to call his best friend, before. He had heard about them, but had also been insistently ignoring them. Ever since that one day a few months ago when he picked up Kaneki's book in the store and saw the dedication he had tried, _tried_ to not get involved again. But it seemed more and more difficult, since after reading those words, _those words_ he felt were directed at him, he couldn't get his mind away from it.

_To my voice._

The first line was the one that had awakened his suspicions, made him a bit, _a bit hopeful_. It said ' _voice_.' Hide had often been known as the quieter boy's voice when they were younger, defending him, speaking instead of him, sometimes reading his mind to the extent where he could tell others exactly what Kaneki himself didn't have the ability or courage to say. And really, Hide could think no others that would have held that kind of a role in Kaneki's life. But voice could have numerous meanings as vaguely as it was said...He still had hopes that Kaneki didn't remember him.

He had read the whole book in one night ( -The book was really good though, Hide couldn't help but be incredibly impressed with his friend's talent! -), which was a mighty feat for him. He had never really enjoyed books as much as Kaneki no matter how much he tried, and believe it, _he did_. All for Kaneki's sake. He had many times jokingly told Kaneki "To be grateful for all the effort he put into this" and "How happy he should be to have such an amazing best friend." Kaneki had usually just snorted or replied with some comment, dripping with sarcasm. Then they had laughed. _Kaneki's laugh..._ reminiscing about those times had really not been a good idea. Now he was back to the beginning of a vicious cycle, one where he always ended up in the same situation, missing those times, wondering about if Kaneki was truly happy, if he really had done all he could to make Kaneki's life an as good one as possible.

About the dedication...It wasn't like the words necessarily made sense to him, but it was just the vibe, the way they seemed to pierce right through him, they made him feel as if Kaneki was talking to _him_ , and no one else. He wondered if that was just something Kaneki was able to do with his amazing writing abilities, or if he should trust his gut at a time like this.

_Whatever I'll do, it'll have to wait until I've read his next book at least. Two more days..._

* * *

_"Wasn't it kind of stupid to set a publishing date when he hadn't even finished writing yet?"_ Haise thought. But really, he wasn't worried at all, he had found his inspiration and knew exactly what to say. The words flowed from his fingers, much faster and better than they would have come out from his mouth. He was almost done, with a few days margin to spare even. Did the publisher trust him really much, or were they just simply stupid? - That was the question Touka had asked when she heard. But the smile behind her words could be heard, she had just finished reading the first chapter, and both Haise and she knew. They knew that she knew exactly who the book was for, who it was about.

_Haise would never ask her to tell him though, and neither would she ever tell, even if he asked._

The original idea for this story lay in Haise's past, but the idea had come that same night he had had the pleasure of recieving a visit from two of his dearest friends, Hinami and Touka. It had come too late, so late that he should probably not have even been awake anymore, but in his despair to capture something on the paper he hadn't been able to relax in the least. He had started thinking about his first book once again, still being uncapable to direct his brain away from that always-as-mysterious dedication. The thought occured - his first book was really nothing but a self-biography, with some necessary added twists and effects, so how could he expect to this time just pull an entire book out of nowhere? He needed to look for subjects in his own life, he surroundings, anywhere they could be found. And what was the most pressing issue on his mind currently? Obviously - the person he dedicated all his books for.

The lightbulb had lit up above his head, all the angels had sung around his ears, the feeling of immense relief had flooded within Haise as he rushed to grab his laptop and start writing down the beginning of a story he believed could rival his first one if he managed to realize it properly. The words he had been waiting for so long, had finally found him, and the joy was indescribeable.

_Joy wasn't all though. It was also the pain, the longing...The guilt._

The new book was a story about a lonely man who was seeking a loved one, someone who he hadn't met in years but missed oh-so dearly. It was about _his_ struggle to find this person, the one who had been his salvation and lead him to the path towards a satisfying life. The only problem was, that by the time he reached this life, the one he had dreamt of, he couldn't be satisfied without having the person in his life anymore. The book ended sadly, through many twists and enjoyable surprises, in the revelation that the one the man had for years tried to find, was dead. It followed Kaneki's earlier works' way and was a true tragedy. It was arguable whether the story was a love-story, but most agreed on this, after reading it and it's beautiful descriptions of feelings, those of longing and grief, momentary relief and despair when false hopes were utterly crushed. Many critics also argued whether this book by "Kaneki Ken" held as much of a deep message as the last one - _"This world is wrong"_ \- and most agreed that if it did, it was well-hidden. What they didn't know was that the book was a shout-out, an invitation more than anything.

_"I can't find you...So please, please come find me instead, before it's too late"_

The numerous pleads the main character had sent out were actually directed at someone. This _someone_ that this book, too was dedicated to.

* * *

The lines to the bookstore that day were long. They were longer than any other time, and it wasn't only this one. All the stores that were selling "Kaneki Ken"'s new book _"Sunflower"_ were clogged up to the point where the copies ran out at the speed of sound. Many had to return home, disappointed but knowing, that the next day they would be back and might be able to get their hands on one book. Among these were the two colleagues that Hide had overheard talking about the book a week prior to this day. They both were sad about not being able to read it yet, they were real fans of Kaneki's, Hide had deduced from listening to more than one of their conversations about him. _"Sunflower"_ had massive amounts of copies printed and ordered to bookstores, if they could have, they probably wouldn't have sold anything else that day, and still they might have run out of books. That's the expectations that were put on this author, on the first work after his debut.

Hide had snuck into a bookstore too. Not at all like he had been there first thing in the morning and still had to stand out it the cold for hours, nope, not at all. He just happened to go to a relatively unpopular store...yeah

Only a few people were ahead of him anymore. He lifted his gloved hads to his face and breather out to warm up his steely face. Honestly, what would he do if his face froze forever - he could never smile anymore! Yeah, that was a joke by the way, he notified anyone who might be listening to his thougts at the current moment. It wasn't really _that_ cold, and he had come prepared, with a thermos full of hot coffee. It was the instant kind though as he had somehow become incapable of making proper coffee, especially the kind Kaneki liked - all since the disappearance of the real Kaneki Ken.

He drank a cup of the coffee, being a thousand times more grateful for the hat and wind-proof jacket he was wearing, as the wind started rising. Only a few more minutes, he convinced himself. He had done that for approximately the past hour though. This time, it turned out to be the truth. In 5 minutes, he got in through the door and pushed himself through the crowd. The whole place was cramped with people and they all had the same goal - _"Sunflower."_

Hide would have murmuring complained to himself about 'having to come to _this exact_ bookstore' but he knew why he was there, he knew there was no other choice, not for him. It had to be the same bookstore as he and Kaneki went, otherwise he couldn't bring himself to pick up the book with his name on it. He was afraid. Also there might be some foolish hope in him, that he would see Haise, see his Kaneki again. Of course he knew this was impossible, he'd never come on a day like this.

But back to the moment, he was being crushed among the crowd, barely able to breathe. This time there was no room left for hesitation, he grabbed one of the few remaining copies of the book and forced himself through, like his life depended on it. Somehow he managed to purchase the work, get out of the store, back into the cold but fresh winter air. He let out a sigh of relief. He hadn't even had the time to glance at the cover of the book before getting out, and decided to not look any closer at it before he got home anyway. All he saw was that the cover tinted of yellow.

* * *

Hide arrived at his apartment and finally he could relax. He took of his outside clothing and stretched, then after a long stare at the bag, he removed the book from it. _"Sunflower"_ had a simple cover, it was a very light shade of yellow and in the middle was a beautiful illustrated sunflower, surrounded by a kind of a shine. Hide smiled, it was like Kaneki to make something this cheery looking despite being so gloomy often himself. Or maybe it was more like Haise... Hide had no idea what the book was about though, and before he could even begin to properly find out he ran into the same problem as with the last one. After sitting down on his couch and opening the book, getting through the first few pages his eyes locked on the same thing as before He froze, for this was even more...it spoke t _o him_ , more than anyone else, even more than before. Once again, the dedication left him completely and utterly speechless.

_To my one and only sunshine._  
To the one I am seeking.  
Please know, without you I'd be long gone.  


He had to stare at it, only stare at it for several minutes. read it over and over again, because that was beautiful. _And, who could it be meant for, unless..._ Hide came to the conclusion that he should read the book. Perhaps then he would understand. And oh, _if_ he _understood_ things...

By page two he was captured. Few books managed to do that, at the least seemingly love-stories. It wasn't even really the plot, not too much was revealed yet, it was the writing, and the character. _The main character..._ By half-way through the book, it had actually managed to bring him into it, he actually wished for the main character to find his 'lost love' and for them to be happy, as much as anyone, even the characters probably. Few books, more movies, did that to him. Once again he raised his hat for Kaneki, and his skills. This was nothing compared to how he was by the end of the book. Because at that point he realized that it wasn't only a feeling. The book _was_ about him. And to add - he was in tears, was this how Kaneki saw him, how far out of reach he was described as in the book. The pleas, for him to come looking for him too, but as dead he was unattainable. _He wasn't dead, not yet._

Hide's tears were something before unseen and they remained unwitnessed by anybody as he was alone. They were tears he cried for not himself, _but Kaneki._

_"I don't know how to find you either"_ wasn't a viable excuse anymore.

* * *

Haise was happy. The response his book had recieved was huge, unbelieavable. He was so happy that he had managed to awaken emotions in all those people that had read his book, that he had not let them down. That he had actually written another book. His book was an amazing success, everyone agreed. They had actually thrown him a party, well, two if you count the one the company held, but his friends too, Hinami and Touka among them, they had cared so much, he was so grateful to know these people and to have their support. Even the hole, the one made by _someone_ who was lacking, had grown so small that he barely remembered it during the whole night. _Why did they all have to be so kind to him...? He didn't deserve this much kindness, in the end he had caused all of them so much pain..._

_"Maybe, just maybe I can forget it for tonight...they did their best for my sake after all. I have to enjoy this to the fullest."  
_

He had such a good time, he laughed, perhaps even genuinely, no one knew. Maybe it was the first time in a long time he was so thoroughly not-down. But as the party was over, and a few days had passed in a daze his mood started falling again. Not too low, and not visibly, but he started acting a bit more like usually, just hiding his sadness and all other heavy feelings. He was alone most of the time though, but even the mirror seemed like too much of a witness. Walls have ears, they say, so he never confessed his distress out loud.

He had sent out the book as a call, a desperate cry for someone to make his pain stop, put him out of his misery by just meeting this someone once. He only had to relect him, let him down and tell him he wasnted nothing to do with him and he could get over it. As long as he got to meet him, then he would move on. Right? He had to. Troubling someone whom he hadn't met for years would just be a bother to this someone.

_"I wouldn't want to cause any more trouble. Not now that I have in one way repayed some ofthe sins i committed in the past"_

* * *

He didn't know how or why he had come here. He hadn't been here one single time, not during the time he was using this name. It did bring back memories, but not as many as he would have thought. Maybe...it was because he was here with him?

Haise was at the bookstore. Yes _, the_ bookstore, he could remember this place so well even though it had been so, _so_ many years since he last came here. Now too he was here on a whim. No one actually knew his face, so it wasn't exactly dangerous moving out, his manager just didn't like to take risks. He was out in public pretty freely, and as long as he kept keeping his face and real name hidden it would all be okay. 

Today was a special day...he didn't know why, but it must have something to do with _someone,_ if he couldn't remember it, wasn't that so? He had come here because he - he had felt like he had to. Maybe it was some traadition from a past life. Past life as in the life of Kaneki Ken. Anyway, he had felt the urge to come to this booksotre, the one that had been his favorite for so long. And he could understand why. Standing on the second floor - yes, there was one though the store in itself was quite small - leaning over the reel, observing all the people there with a calm gaze full of fondness. He saw the familiar oldish shelves, the counter - he couldn't be sure but he thought even the person behind it was the same as all those years ago. He could see his book broadcasted in the window - both of them actually, and it made him feel a strange mix of pride and melancholy. _It had been a month._

He stood there, preoccupied by his thoughts, completely consumed by them and stared blankly out of the window, down at the snow-covered street and all the people passing. That's when a sudden cheery voice could be heard from behind him.

"Yo, Kaneki!"

Haise was startled and turned around swiftly, and there he saw him. It was a man, around his age, with blond long-ish hair and the most beautiful smile the world had ever seen. 

"Or it's Haise now, right?" the man continued and Haise saw a sudden flash of light and felt a piercing pain. A word escaped his lips.

_"Hi...de?"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to get this out befor e the last episode of the anime I'm so exited for the original ending gahhh. I had to put the yo,kaneki there tbh. I just wrote this now its like 4am sorry for mistakes ive been up just writing and listenign to tga ending for hours. Thanks for reading! ALso, I decided to make this one mroe chapter, couldnt fit it all into this one.


	3. Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hide was there, he was _there _and that awakened something in him.__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mhm dont ask for logic in haises selective memory. idk who yamamura is. i was gonna use yoshimura. but then.

_"Hi...de?"_

The word had slipped out of Haise's mouth before he had the time to even form them in his mind. He had no idea where the... _name?_ had come from, he had just reacted like that, nearly unconsciously uttering the two syllables. He shook his head, trying to catch that thought, the one that had brought the name with it, desperately trying to find it and _remember_ , who was this person really? He had called him Kaneki at first, hadn't he? _Could it be that it was-?_ Before he had the time to either finish that thought or capture the one that escaped the man started talking again.

"Yeahhh...that's me! It's been a while hasn't it?"

His tone was carefree, this person that Haise had called "Hide." How could he act like that? Haise panicked, his mind was overflowing with things that he couldn't quite sort out and it felt _unpleasant_ , he could barely _breathe_. He needed to say something, excuse himself, explain that he didn't actually remember the other, that he didn't know what had gotten into him a few seconds before and- _Why can't I just remember?_ He looked down and resisted the urge to burrow it into his hands, only discreetly shaking it a bit again. When he looked up again after an long enough silence for th other to become suspicious all he could say was _"Sorry, I'm so sorry!"_ and attempt escape. Remaining as collected as he could, he gestured more excuses and turned around clenching his fists and starting to walk away. _I have to get away, I don't want to disappoint this person._ He was in the middle of a stressful time, and if he had been in his usual good condition he porbably could have just said the truth normally and that way excused himself, but somehow it just seemed like an insurmentable challenge right now. _He was never good with social situations._

Before he got too far away he was stopped, not forcefully, it was more of a gentle pat on his shoulder, one that wouldn't frighten him or make him uncomfortable. _He realized the man had calculated that the man knew how horrible he felt, and had he really had someone this perceptive and nice in his life?_ He - the guy - was looking apologetic, scrathing the back of his head, already having ceased from any physical contact with Haise, which he was grateful for. He smiled slightly. "Sorry man, I know you probably don't remember me, right?"

Haise was so relieved, 'Hide' didn't expect him to know who he was, this made him feel so much lighter, probably more than he should, but he _didn't have to feel all this pressure, and it made him feel at ease somehow._ He looked back and nodded slightly, confirming the other's words. The other one just smiled a bit more - _there was a tint of sadness in that smile, wasnt there?_

"Yeah, thought so" He closed his eyes and took a deep breath as if preparing for some huge confession, but when he opened them again there was just that incredibly gentle look in them, it held such fondness - Haise couldn't even believe it. "Sorry to have bothered you, this got kinda awkward!" He laughed a bit. Then they just stood there for a while. Haise started feeling guilty again, for not having any memories of this person - he seemed like such a great one too. He should probably say something...maybe invite the other out for coffee or something? He had to repair the situation, because he wanted to remember, and his suspicions about this person _maybe just maybe being the 'Sunflower'. But it did seem strange, he had barely met this person, even though he seemed to have known him for long, it felt uncomfortable..._

And then, in a blink of the eye, this 'Hide' solved all the problems Haise was debating over in his mind, _it seemed to be so easy for him_. "Yeah! Anyway, if you ever wanna talk I come here around this time most days! Not weekends though, I have work you see."

"Why?" Haise quietly asked. It wasn't meant to be heard by anyone else, he hadn't planned to say it, but his thoughts had slipped through before he could prevent it.

He prayed that Hide wouldn't have heard, but it seemed that he had, as he gave a short laugh before _replying_ "I used to come here with my friend..."

Haise smiled a bit too, nodding. "I see. I'll see you around then..."

The unworded question was left hanging in the air: _Was that friend me?_

Haise then left the bookstore, forgetting any original purpose he might have had - there probably was none anyway - and started making his way how swiftly. He would've ran, to get there as fast as possible, to get to be alone with his thoughts, but it could have seemed suspicious to suddenly start running in the middle of the city, plus the crowd wouldn't allow any fast advancement among it that easily. So he clutched the bag he was carrying to his chest and agonizingly slowly made his way back, until he finally reached home. All the way he was asking himself the same question - _Who was that person?  
_

* * *

Hide felt like punching himself in the face. Why had he gone and done that why had he opened his mouth again - he should've just stayed away. But when he saw Kaneki - no, Haise - there in the bookstore, he just had to get a closer look, confirm that it really _was_ him, it was Kaneki _...in a way._ When he realized how close he was it had already been too late, he was sure that Haise had already noticed him - and in the heat of the moment he didn't understand that to him...to him it would have made no difference, he could have just pretended to be looking for a book, for to Haise, without any memories of him, Hide was just another human. It saddened it but - _it. was. good. He had to remember that._

Anyway, as he was kind of at a loss on how to introduce himself ( _-"Yo, I'm the person you wrote your book for, I knooow, you don't remember me, but hey it's true I swear man!"- didn't seem appropriate._ ) so he ended up acting very _natural,_ quite in his usual fashion. It was that charming way that had made him many friends, including Kaneki all that time ago, but he had realized it might confuse Kaneki a bit. That's why he had been so thoroughly shocked, though he may not have showed it, when- _Haise_ , had said his name. He had really not been prepared for that, but he managed to maintain his composure well enough to fool the other to think he _didn't know_ about the whole ordeal too well.

He had quickly noticed how uncmfortable Haise was feeling though, and as he himself already regretted getting into the conversation - for Haise's sake, not his own of course - he had assumed that 'Kaneki's' memories of _him_ still weren't regained. _He shouldn't be this disappointed_. He told Haise the truth - that he visited that bookstore almost every day, even though he left the reason as to why quite vague. It felt like something he had to do - he had to give Haise the possibility to choose, since he sure deserved it. He deserved all the happiness.

After Haise had left, Hide's pulse had started calming down, and he breathed unevenly for a while - he had been _nervous_ , as uncharacteristic as it was. Now, he had to go get himself into this mess didn't he? He was supposed to _stay out of_ Kaneki's new life, wasn't he? But then again it was questionable whether staying away from someone's life who literally wrote a book to find you was such a good idea...

However, all he could do now, was to do what he promised, to go to the bookstore and possibly _wait. And wait he would. Now that he had a reason to, he would wait, no matter how long._

* * *

Haise had been to therapy, he really had. It hadn't helped, plus it had made him feel worse, so he preferred staying away from such things now though. He had been to doctors, several of them, and he had talked to the mysterious people he had first awoken to see, those that had told him his new name, but from the beginning, time had been the one to return his memories, alongside with that voice, that _used to_ speak to him, his inner self. Encounters in themselves had usually been enough to bring back memories of said person, at least when his state had gone far enough, so that must mean this person was special. Well, either speacial, or extremely insignificant, but he doubted it was the latter one so.

This person who he met in the bookstore meant a lot to him, that much he knew, for he had narrowed down the level of their aquaintance to such that he _must_ be the one that he missed, the one that he actually felt was _lacking_ from his life. That meant a real lot. But he still _just couldn't_ bring himself to remember, he didn't know, maybe the memories were so painful that his mind had put them behind several locks, maybe there was another reason, he _didn't know_. He wondered about it a lot, ever since he met 'Hide' he hadn't gotten his mind away from the matter - as if he had before - but he had come to no conclusion. It all seemed like a dead end, and he started feeling like he would never remember, like he would have to go meet him...because that much at least he would do! He would have to go meet him empty-handed, still uncapable to tell them anything.

He had made slight progress, he had _dreamt_. He couldn't exactly recall details around the dreams, onl that they had been there, _he and Hide no, Kaneki and Hide_. They were together, and Haise could remember a wide range of emotions all from exhilaration to despair, and he wondered what kind of a person Hide must be to awaken all those in the apathetic him. He hoped he could dream again, but most of all he hoped he could _remember._

* * *

One thing Haise had been afraid of since the beginning, when meeting new people - or rather, people that were new to him, but who had had a great part in his old life, was that they wouldn't accept him. That they wouldn't accept his decicions of keeping his new name, new identity, that they'd demand him to use the old ones - out of convenience or for other reasons. He was really scared that it would happen, because he had trouble refusing, for even though he had proper reasons to himself, telling them to others wasn't easy. He wished for their acceptance but then again he was very tolerating - perhaps too much so, and he would have diffciulties if they _didn't understand_ , if _he couldn't explain_ why he wanted it to be this way.

He didn't want to let go of his old identity completely, no, but then how would one put to words that feeling, the one that made him want to forget everything about his past, throw it away, hold onto this safe-haven-kind-of-a name that helped him detach from the pain? How would he say that without sounding like he was victimizing himself?

He had been lucky, he had known good people apparently, and so far he had had no trouble with making everyone understand his apprehension. Even this time - with Hide, it seemed that he had...somehow known. Haise couldn't explain it, but he felt as if Hide understood exactly what he thought, and he had known from before - _"No, it's Haise now, right?"_ He couldn't describe it too well, but it made his insides well up with happiness, though he had no idea as to why it should induce such a strong reaction. Maybe something in his still remembered Hide, _just maybe. He had to gather up his courage and finally go to the bookstore soon._

* * *

It had been weeks already. Hide knew that Kaneki would need time, and he also knew there was a possibility that he'd never come. Someday Hide would have to stop coming here and let go, for the best of the both of them. But he wasn't ready to give up yet, he knew Kaneki well enough - _even though he barely knew Haise_ \- to wait. He wasn't fast with processing things, and might stress over this for ages if he couldn't properly remember Hide, _he knew_. Still, every day every minute he spent walking around among the bookshelves was torture to him. The doubt was the worst of ourse, he only awaited absolute refusal, like any other person would, but in his case he hoped also for the opposite - though he knew _he shouldn't._ He still had to get someone to give him that punch in the face, really. _  
_

He was there again today - he actually started coming even more frequently after his sncounter with Haise, he found it an as good place as any to sort out his thoughts and create new ones, though he didn't particulary like reading. There was nothing special about the day, _absolutely nothing until that_ one time the bell was heard again and who else than _Haise_ walked in. Hide had to smile at seeing him again, but decided to wait on approaching him.

He entered, looked around some - trying to spot Hide maybe? But when he didn't see anything a childish smile appeared on his face and he slipped in between two bookshelves. There was some book there that made him make a face like that, now Hide almost laughed. He went after Haise, but seeing the other so happy, he didn't want to disturb him, _that was basically what he had thought for the latest **years** , wasn't it? _So, he waited until Haise was done with...whatever he was so immensely enjoying doing, before appearing, this time straight in front of him. Haise's face turned red, and Hide realized he thought he had been caught doing something - not that anyone would actually understand what was supposedly wrong with it. A white lie wouldn't hurt here, so he made his breathing a bit uneven before opening his mouth.

"Sorry for being late! Did ya have to wait long?"

Haise relaxed a bit, and let his lips curve up.

"No, I just came too"

* * *

Hide was there, he was _there_ and that awoke something in him. He didn't know why, or what, probably _some kind of memory_. He _was_ happy about that. And again Hide acted, as if he hadn't made him basically wait for 3 weeks, which he most definitely still had done. That was some amazing talent of his, apparently. Haise hadn't asked anyone about Hide, even though he was aware that Touka at least knew a bit about him and the relationship they had had before the beginning of this mess. He wanted to remember by himself.

"Good! Then, should we go for coffee or something!?" Hide asked energetically. And Kaneki noticed the little connotation that came with the 'coffee' it making him slightly pleased.

"Is that Kaneki? and Hideyoshi?" an unfamiliar voice came form behind Haise before he could agree on anything. He turned around quickly - there was a man around their age standing there, wide-eyed, staring especially at Haise's hairstyle - well it was quite attention-attracting.

Haise had no idea who it was though. Hide on the other hand seemed to have a vague one because he pointed at the guy saying "Yoshi-Yamamura?" in an unsure voice. The guy laughed and nodded, confirming his identity.

"Man, it's really been a while-" He started, but Haise couldn't listen anymore, he had noticed something much worse. He heard whispers, they weren't alone in the bookstore, and the Yamamura-guy had a loud voice. This meant that the others near them had heard him calling Haise 'Kaneki.' Kaneki was a celebrity, and one that really didn't do well with the public too. _This was bad_.

 _"Kaneki? As in the writer Kaneki?"_ _"He hasn't ever shown his face, right?"_ _"Hey we could be the first ones to see the mysterious Kaneki Ken" "Whoah, Kaneki!?"_

Hide heard the whispers too, and the people who were nearing them, making Haise freeze, had the opposite effect. He couldn't have Haise's identity revealed, that would be bad, he knew why. He had to do something it was his fault this had happened...

"Sorry Yamamura, we don't have the time to chat right now" He hastily said, and then grinned, grabbing Haise's arm. "Another time!"

Haise felt himself being pulled along Hide, after a short whisper that sounded like " _Run._ " And he ran. He didn't want to be dead weight, so he followed by his own force, down the stairs, out of the door, leaving all the people staring at them - but not having gotten a proper glance at his face, which was the important thing. When they got out, he thought they should stop, but instead Hide kept running. And he had no choice but to run too, Hide still holding his wrist pretty tightly. He didn't mind though. They zigzaged through the moving crowd, the cold air turning their expiration to vapour. Hide, and Haise who was dragged after, they just continued moving forward for a while, as fast as they could, until finally at a crossroad with the red light up, Hide stopped. He laughed a bit, letting go of Haise who was catching his breath and soon laughing too.

"Sorry man, you don't even know me"Hide stopped laughing, suddenly remembering that it could be kind of awkward to Haise. Haise who wasn't the same Kaneki who knew him.

"No it's fine. What brought this on?" Haise was fine with it, it had made him laugh more than he had for ages - because of anything else than a book at least.

"Just thought it'd be fun. And we had to get away from the bad guys, right?" He grinned in that charming way he did a lot, making Haise smile a bit wider too."Now, what about that coffee? I know a good place close here!"

* * *

An hour later, Haise was feeling contented. They were at a nice coffee shop, sitting at a window-table for two, he was on his 2nd cup of black coffee. Hide was sitting on the opposite side of him, it felt familiar. They were talking about books. Even though Hide said he didn't know much, he knew surprisingly much, especially about Haise's own taste - all his favourite authors, books, everything.

Hide had a refreshing, cheerful laugh, that lit up the room, speaking in metaphors. He was funny, considerate and relaxing - what was this a listing of positive qualities? Anyway, Haise was glad he had come, even though he had yet to remember. Even though he had yet to figure out the reason as to why his mind had locked those memories away.

 _This was Hide._ That was all he needed to know for now. The rest would come in its time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thannk you very much for reading yay! haha so last chapter...or idk, I cann make one more but i wont bother if you dont want to i mean it's kinda fine like this, right? okay who am i kidding i cant leave it like this myself i just keep adding chapters to tis dont i.. I'm sorry if this seems rushed, i was gonna finish it before leaving on a trip but.


	4. Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wasn't there any trace of Hide left in his memories? Hide, who always managed to cheer him up, Hide, who smiled like the sun, Hide who treated him like he wanted without ever asking, Hide who knew exactly what to say to fill him up with relief, Hide who had never, not once voiced any kind of complaint though Haise, not remembering anything had probably neglected so much. _Hide... ___
> 
> ___Subconsciously, Haise lifted a hand up to his face._  
>  He was...crying? ____  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i would like to thank my friend for the wonderful advice "idk cry" she gave me when i lost inspiration, it helped. als everyone who read and even gave kudos or commented thank you to you too! finally the last chapter sorry it took a while

After that first time - or not really first, as it had happened countless times before, though one of them was unable to remember any of these - but the one time after their escape, in the coffeeshop, after that they started meeting quite regularly. They agreed for another meeting at a similar place, changing their meeting place from the bookstore to wherever they were going. Contact information was shared and though Hide made most the approaches, he knew Haise cared just as much.

...Or maybe not _that_ much. In the end Hide had known him, or versions of him at least, much longer than he had known Hide. Whenever Hide thought of this he felt melancholy, a pain welling up inside him, so he preferred for his mind to avoid the subject as much as possible. But as it wasn't entirely avoidable the question would arise of course, _just how much did he care about Haise? About Kaneki?_

That was indeed a question he had known the answer for a long time already, he hadn't tried to avoid or deny it, just quietly accepting those feelings that he knew would lead to more trouble if revealed. He had never had to think about how much Kaneki mattered to him, he had just always known that he was more important than anything else. Hide would drop anything, sacrifice everything he could, just to make _him_ happy. Kaneki had meant the world to him. And though the Kaneki from the past had changed a lot, he was still the same person, in the end. The same person Hide cherished over anything else.

He had not wanted to admit that to himself, trying to make a clear distinction between "Kaneki" and "Haise" in his head, that was the way he dealt with it. Half-truths he had made up to help him stay away from Haise, everything for _Haise_. But now that he had given up on that thought he had slowly started allowing himself to connect the points, to remember those happy - and of course less happy, all memories were as precious when they involved him, painful or not - moments they had spent together, this only growing his affection for the other. _But Haise still didn't remember Hide._

Hide knew, that unless the memories returned, he would have a hard time regaining the position he had held in Kaneki's life, but now that he had gotten started on building up their relationship again, there was no way he was going to falter. He would do anything to make Kaneki happy, as he always had, now that he realized he could do it from this position too, he sure as hell was going to! Every time Haise smiled, laughed at something he said, perhaps a joke, or even something not specifically intended to induce that reaction, every time, Hide was so glad for the decisions he had made. To be able to be with Haise, to be able to see him happy, it was truly the only reward Hide could ask for, even after 'all he had done.'

Hide had never lost his natural outward cheerfulness, Kaneki would have been glad _if he'd known._

* * *

Haise, on the other hand, was unknowing of all the troubles and thoughts going through Hide's mind. Or that's what it should have been like. Hide wouldn't have been as naive to think that Haise didn't have his own problems, and neither did he expect that he was able to entirely hide his occasional uneasiness, swallowed up by his thoughts in the middle of one of their meetings. Of course Haise had noticed, he was an observant person that cared deeply for his friends. It worried him greatly, but he tried to not let it affect his behaviour. Haise feared it was him, that it was the fact that he didn't remember, that caused the other's uncomfort, and he wasn't entirely wrong, was he? But he also knew that Hide wouldn't say anything, and it'd make it worse if Haise mentioned it. Instead he worked harder and harder on trying to regain his memories, though it was obvious that forcing them out wasn't an option.

He had browsed through countless website, read all the even remotely reasonable-seeming books and articles about the matter. _How to remember?, For recovering amnesiacs, Memory exercises!_ _How to recover after retograde amnesia? Remember, remember..._ and too many others to list them all. He was now much more educated on different types of amnesia, what caused them, and knew that telling him about the lost memories wouldn't even help. The biggest hope he could find was in the so called _Spontaneous Recovery._ He even followed much of the advice he had found from medical sites, like getting enough sleep, as that was said to make the memory better. He did what many suggested he should, he repeated what he knew several times, he went through it as often as he could, it was said that this could bit by bit start giving results. He truly did his best.

He had gradually started getting inklings of something with a recemblance to memories. It was more like a feeling, ' _I've done this before_ ' when being somewhere with Hide, or a premonition of something. Sometimes it also happened that Haise _knew_ , knew things _about Hide_ that hadn't been told to him, well not after the memory loss at least. Useless things, like how he took his coffee, what his favorite food or color was, some of those Haise could have figured out by himself, but others showed that there _definitely_ was _something_ left, and that something was perhaps, slowly but surely, returning. Small progress is better than none.

Whenever Haise surprised Hide, by knowing, by showing this thorugh for example bringing his just the right coffee, or avoiding to touch something Hide was wary of, always when something like this happened, Hide couldn't help but be overwhelmed by a certain hope. He was indeed afraid that Haise was blaming himself again, he knew him well enough to almost assume that, but in the end it made him happy how the other tried. _Still, if for my sake, Kaneki gets hurt in any way, I will never forgive myself._

* * *

"Hey, Hide wait!" Haise shouted after him, words not having any effect, rebounding like from a wall, before being left staring after the blond, sighing. Hide truly behaved like a child sometimes, Haise thought. But he also knew, once again he had no idea _how_ he did, that there was a lot more to it than just that. Hide behaved like that to make Haise feel at ease, he was sure of that. And he succeeded. Whenever Haise started feeling even a little down about anything, Hide noticed, immediately, and then he'd say something completely unrelated, do something, like just now when he had suddenly suggested they'd play tag (why Hide,) and before listening to any objections had proceeded to poke Haise and run away yelling something about Haise being 'it'.

Hide always managed to make Haise's thoughts stray from the matter that was worrying him, made him forget why he was sad, sometimes he wouldn't even remember it, if it happened to be something in the end quite trivial, but whether he did or not, Hide was always able to distract him. Actually, not just distract, _he made him happy_. Hide was truly amazing, wasn't he?

Haise looked up from his feet, that he somehow had ended up peering at through his eyelashes, and he saw Hide, a bit ahead of him, waving at him almost frantically. Haise couldn't hear what he was saying, but it felt more like an invitation than any kind of warning, so he decided to just give up and run after, there was no one around anyway.

When Hide saw him starting up, he- Haise couldn't see properly, it was so far away, but probably- grinned and waited until Haise _almost_ caught up to him, before starting to run away again. As Haise caught his breath while running, he thought about how grateful he was that he wasn't wearing his long coat, that would have been a problem, just imagining it made him shiver. Now that it _was_ early spring, he was just wearing a hoodie. He hadn't stopped that though it fitted his _former 'self'_ better, they were so comfortable, after all.

In the past, Hide might have been faster than the unathletic bookworm _Kaneki,_ but now he would quickly notice that _Haise_ who quite regularly exercised and had become quite the athlete after being through many things, was completely overwhelming to Hide. He caught up to him much quicker than either of them had expected, and soon it was Hide's turn to be 'it'. Now that they'd started, Haise too, was having too fun to stop even if he actually saw someone a bit away. He couldn't bother too care too much, no matter how ridiculous they might look - two grown men running around grinning like idiots. Because that was what Hide, and he too soon, was doing.

Haise didn't know how long they kept going. It started getting darker around them, but it had been pretty late, and time might've just slowed down when he was having that fun. So it probably didn't even last half an hour, but seemed like an eternity. They ran around the more unoccupied part of the city, the nearly deserted streets in the twilight. Haise didn't even know where they were anymore, and Hide had probably forgotten too. But they didn't stop, though they ran out of breath and caught each other several times, they didn't stop...not until Haise saw something. It was a park. A children's playground, a simple one with just a few attractions, but it would indeed be enough to keep children happy and occupied for a while. The playground was pretty ordinary, the most distinct feature would have been the giant _whale shaped hill_. That had also been what caught Haise's eye in the first place. It seemed _familiar,_ and as this was not any new experience for Haise, he guessed he had been there before. The fact that he couldn't recall it at all, though he recognized the place also hinted that he had been there _with Hide._

"Haiseee...caught you~" Hide _had_ caught up to him, and now put his hand on Haise's shoulder, panting from all the running, but smiling. Not gaining any reaction from Haise, he turned his head around as he simultaneously started asking "Why are y-...Oh" He had seen the playground, and he obviously recognized it. As their breathing slowly started steadying, they stood there, staring at the nostalgic whale.

"Wanna go sit for a while?" Hide asked.

* * *

Haise felt a bit too big, sitting there on the whale. If he had been here before, it must have been back when both of them were still children, better fitting in such a place. He wasn't really uncomfortable though, both he and Hide had enough place to sit on top of the hill-like-thing without being in too much danger of falling down. Haise had a feeling someone had pushed him down from there once, for some reason. It must've been in a dream. But those dreams he had nowadays, though he couldn't remember them, he was sure that they were the closest to his memories he had gotten. Not to forget that he had recovered almost completely, only certain holes in his memory existed. Most of those had probably been with Hide, and Haise had no idea as to why his mind had decided to exclude that. Perhaps it was too painful? But Hide didn't seem like someone who would cause him pain, did he?

They sat there in silence for a while. Haise was aware of the situation, but there was so much circling around in his mind, so he didn't bother to break the silence. It wasn't like it was uncomfortable anyway. Pretty much the opposite actually, Haise was sure he had never shared an as mutually enjoyable silence as this one. He felt such deja vu, sitting there with Hide, and almost harder than ever he tried to think. Wasn't there any trace of Hide left in his memories? Hide, who always managed to cheer him up, Hide, who smiled like the sun, Hide who treated him _like he wanted_ without ever asking, Hide who knew exactly what to say to fill him up with relief, Hide who had _never_ , not once voiced any kind of complaint though Haise, not remembering anything had probably neglected so much. _Hide..._

Subconsciously, Haise lifted a hand up to his face. _He was...crying?_

_"Kaneki!?"_

* * *

Hide had never intended to let that name slip, even if he knew the other would easily forgive it since he _knew,_ he had still decided not to, but when he noticed Haise's tears, saw him collapsing like that, at that moment he for once forgot to think. He shouted out the name he had used so many times before, with a voice he hadn't used in a long time.

He was slow on reacting, but managed to prevent Haise from falling down completely. He hadn't suddenly noticed anything, as he always observed every move Haise did when they were together, trying his best to read what would make the other feel the most at ease. He had just been in too much shock, he had been so surprised to see Haise drying one lonely tear from his cheek, closing his eyes, and the starting to fall backwards. _It was almost as if it was in slow motion._

Hide didn't know what had happened, he really had no idea for once, he didn't know why nor how, but he knew that he had to help. The few seconds that actually passe **d** felt like an eternity, and he felt helpless, not knowing what else to do than try to get Haise's head in a somewhat comfortable position, and wiping the flow of tears from his cheeks as they increased. _He had to do something..._

* * *

_A blaze of light. A piercing pain. And then, suddenly, everything was dark._

_A voice, a familiar voice. A sudden flood of emotions. He couldn't stop crying._

_The voices playing through his head, unintelligible, as if rewinded. But now he_ knew. _He knew what they said._

_Visions, as if pictures, flashing in front of his eyes. Too many to process. But he could see._

_A building, a riverbank, a small boy, and look, another one._

_A playground, another building,_ home, _a smile and laughter._

_Pain, tears, gratitude mixed with guilt._

_Emptiness._

**"Let's just go home"**

* * *

Haise opened his eyes. He couldn't see a thing. His eyes hurt, they were stinging. After blinking a few times, he realized they were filled with water. He could almost descry something through the tears, it was a face. _Hide's face._ Haise soon noticed he was lying down. He didn't know how he had ended up like that, probably he fainted or something, and not how long he had been out of it, but his eyes were starting to slowly clear up and _he could see Hide's concerned expression above him..._

"Hi...de...?" He hadn't meant to sound that questioning, but his voice came out all wrong, the tears still hadn't stopped and now he saw the connection, he understood why he had locked his mind, he saw _Hide,_ the Hide he had known for _so long. Just how much pain have I caused him already?_

_"Hide...I'm so sorry"_

* * *

Hide was relieved when Haise first woke up. It hadn't been long, less than a minute probably, but seeing him crying like that, he looked like he was in pain, even though his face had mostly remained emotionless. At first Hide was relieved, but then Haise opened his mouth, and the _voice, the voice_ he said his name in, it told him more than so many more words ever could.

_Haise had remembered something. Remembered **him**_.

"Shh...Haise...it's not your fault"

Haise was still crying, Hide stroked his hair as reassurignly as he could, saying nothing but what he felt was the truth. Haise tried to get up sitting, but he still seemed a bit weak. If that's what he wanted, Hide would help him. He supported Haise until the other was in an upright position, safely leaning on his shoulder. The tears still hadn't stopped. He couldn't make them stop, no matter how much he didn't want to show this kind of emotion to anyone, he didn't want them to think it was their fault. But he knew that if he had to cry in front of anyone, it would be Hide.

Hide softly rested his hand atop the other's head, carefully winding the other one around him, and pulling him in closer. Haise was practically sobbing now, all that pain, those times spent in fear, had suddenly returned to him and he couldn't control anything anymore. Hide's soothing presence, the fact that he _was there, he wasn't dead, Kaneki hadn't done the unthinkable._ Haise let himself be comforted, let the other rub circles on his back and murmur reassuring words into his ear, he let himself be reminded of Hide's existence in every possible way.

_Oh, how selfish he was._

"It's okay, Haise...It's all okay"

And it was. They were both here. Both of them were alive, healthy, _reunited,_ the worst was already over. Haise slowly started believing Hide's words, he gave up and let Hide convince him that _it would all be alright._ Because it would.

* * *

"Hey Haise! I didn't know this was hollow!" Hide was exitedly pointing at something in the bookshelf, while gesturing for the other to come closer and see for himself. Why Hide had been knocking around in his bookshelf was a question better left unasked. Haise sighed, fondly, and did what he was expected to.

"Oh? That one...I didn't even remember." He saw the brown bookcover Hide was now holding in his hands, blowing some dust off it, unsuccesfully (he got it in his eyes instead.) There wasn't anything written on it, but he had just assumed it was one of his old books. He had gotten all of them only after the...sad stuff...though, so he should be able to recognize it. "Is there something in it?"

Hide shook the hollow book, holding it to his ear to find this out. He had a concentrated expression on his face, and Haise was so glad that they had come this far. After a while of shaking Hide said: "I think there's something, but it's very light. Paper maybe? WOuld be just like you wouldn't it, to hide _paper_ in a place where you'd actually _expect_ to find paper." He chuckled a bit, and handed it over to Haise. "Can you open it though?"

Haise recieved the, surprisingly light, object, and started examining it. It seemed to work like a box, maybe that's what it was, and finding the hidden switch was all it took for the lid to be flung open.

Inside there was - (Hide triumphantly gave himself a pat on the back) - indeed paper. Three sheets to be precise. And they were full of writing. It was haise's handwriting, unmistakeably. Hide recognized it very well, and tried to grab the papers from Haise. But he wouldn't allow that, instead he turned away, blushing slightly, as he comprehended what those sheets were.

"Heyy, lemme see, Haisee" Hide still hadn't given up on getting them. He crawled his hands over Haise's shoulders from behind, bringing his head over to peek at the writing. Haise wouldn't have any of this though, so he put them back in the box, not being disturbed by Hide who was whining about it. He wasn't afraid that Hide would later secretly look at it. _Hide wouldn't._

When he was done putting it away, and cooling his face down, he grabbed Hide's hands, still wrapped around him, as the man was basically hanging from him. He twisted around slightly, so that he too, could bring his arms on hides shoulders. Smiling slightly he whispered a _"No"_ as an answer to the earlier question. Hide pouted, but not for long, because Haise leaned his head forward and kissed Hide. Hide smiled into the kiss.

_"Thank you."_

* * *

About Haise:

He had never been good at expressing himself directly, in social situations or verbally over all. Though he was bad at this though, when it came to words in general, he loved them. Writing them down on a paper, forming them into a story for someone to read - for someone to escape to as he had always done, all this he enjoyed so much. And he was good at it - words had shown themselves being enough to spawn realization, to make things better. Through words Sasaki Haise had changed the world a bit. _And through those same words I found you again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmao yay for me and my vague endings. if you havent noticed im kinda really bad at interactions eheheh i try to keep them to a minimum. and the memories returning is weird ik. i also smh think that a big part of the former kanekis personality was built up thank to hide so it would start reminding more of his own once he remembers hide idk? and lol the hollow book thing, i literally googled things that are hollow and got that so heh. Thanks for reading until now and some final feedback, anyone??? hehee now im gonna start working on some smaller fics for //the hidehaise week that i dont even know if it is a thing yet but still i wanna wr ite

**Author's Note:**

> Haha okay what is this, thank you for reading if you did~! I'll have up the second chapter sometime soon...I haven't posted on here before this is kinda weird haha. id really appreciate feedback...


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